I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
