after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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