she looked like the before picture.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
