Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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