yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
