please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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