Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
