Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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