Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
