they need to just BURY HIM!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
