I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize