His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
