Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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