He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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