Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
