it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
God I need to hump something, right now.
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