I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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