Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
