Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
