Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
