Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
