he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
