I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
