you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
