Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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