i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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