I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
