I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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