k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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