You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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