she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
