I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
