I want to make a zoo with you.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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