now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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