Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
