he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
