i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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