you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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