Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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