It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
