Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
