I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
