I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
