I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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