someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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