Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
