i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
