It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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