My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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