Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
