"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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