Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
