She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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