I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize