the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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