I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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