I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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