Well douche your snatch and let's go!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
