Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
well you can't waste a boner
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
