I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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