Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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