You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
