I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
