i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he thought i was a dude.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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