There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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