I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize